the ümabomber


Ask Your Doctor…

batman robin vertical video smack

It’s that time of the year again, when millions of people break out their smartphones to record painfully long videos at holiday get togethers, sportsball games, and anytime their kid, cat, or dog so something (or nothing).

Thankfully, the vast majority of these videos never see the light of day. A few billion, however, get uploaded to Facebook and YouTube and an alarming number of these are vertical videos. The reason for this? Vertical Video Syndrome.

Vertical Video Syndrome—or VVS—is a serious condition afflicting millions of Americans. Symptoms include a stubborn refusal to turn the damn smartphone sideways before starting to record video.

Many people are unaware they are living with this condition. They haven’t bothered to consider that because human’s eyes are horizontally placed in their skulls, our field of vision is horizontal. VVS doesn’t just affect those suffering the disorder—it affects loved ones, family and friends as well.

vertical video is bad stop it

Hey girl… Every time you shoot vertical video a baby unicorn dies.

But now, there’s a cure.

If you or someone you love suffers from VVT, call now and the Ümabomber or one of her trained assistants will come to you and slap you silly every time you try to shoot vertical video.

That’s right—our caring and dedicated therapists will travel to you and slap the living shit out of you until you learn to turn your smart phone sideways when shooting videos of your dog slobbering on your newborn.

Serious side effects may  occur, including: headaches, confusion and liking it.

Ask your doctor if getting a clue—finally!—is right for you.


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